Lest you drown in this syrup-filled entry, let me warn you to back out now while you still have the chance. I mean, for me to steel myself and relive this mushy gushy subject is already way, way out of character. So if it doesn't bother you, allow me to indulge in this diatribe on the gray and complicated subject of love. Breathe easy, it's just for this entry. I don't intend to drown you with mush from here on out.
I am not in love. I repeat. I've been stuck in the borderline countless of times but love, in all its pure and simple glory, seems to have eluded me even at this age. An idealistic hopeless romantic always at the edge of romance but who never really got there - yep, that's me. Am I not such a pitiful person? As high as my pride is, I still pity myself in this department. Well sometimes. In other times, I just go through the motions of living with a no-care attitude, wishing for the rest of the world to just STFU (sorry for the abbreviated expletive) and leave me alone. I mean, who cares if I grow old a spinster, right? It's my problem, anyway. Why do I have to lower my standards just so I can run around town with a boy toy in tow? Do I really need a man to be with me until the end of my days? Seriously, my brain's getting numb trying to grasp the whole situation.
Who The Heck Am I?
So let's go to the subject of "me" by throwing the cliché and overasked question "who am I?" So yeah, who the heck is this human being? What's she doing here on this planet? Why is it that at an age where everyone's getting hitched or busy with their respective love affairs, she's still alone (sic) and utterly inexperienced? The answer's worse than complicated.
Perhaps a place to start would be my ideals. Before I launch an all-out inventory of my principles from love to living life, I would like to share my Chinese horoscope's advice for today so you would have a bird's eye view of the dilemma I'm facing right now: "Self-sabotage can happen when we allow people who know how to push our buttons to, well, push our buttons. If you know you're better off just avoiding the person, by all means, steer clear. Wisdom is knowing who is good for you and who is not." This is pretty much the me I know of since childhood and had it been otherwise, the horoscope warning would have covered my situation accurately. But that's not the case, however.
Yes, I am a highly principled person, sometimes on the verge of stubbornness and self-righteousness. Though head-strong, willful, unbending, overly cautious, often reckless and accident-prone, occasionally high-strung, always a dreamer, a complicated brew of passion, affection and frustration, and easily moved by the simplest of things, I usually steer clear before anything goes out of hand or gets damaged beyond repair. Because of these traits, I neither have an offline boyfriend nor a life-to-death soul mate for a quarter of a century now. I am as single as the day I was born. It's not eating me up, but... as of the moment, I happen to like someone so much and not being able to express this pent-up emotion, or know more about him, is just galling! And that's just half of the problem.
As I said, if it's steering clear and avoiding people, I'm usually the one who does that first. Unfortunately, recently, SOMEONE BEAT ME TO IT! It's so annoying. The back of my head is already bursting and screaming. At the cost of my pride, which is now aching and writhing in pain, I let him push the button and overpower me. Guess that's what you'd call "just desserts," huh? Many would think I had it coming. I was bound to self-destruct, thanks to my overarching principles. I mean, haven't I been playing hard-to-get and bitchin' about eternal love and all that jazz since then? Haven't I tortured my few and far between "suitors" with my dalagang Filipina attitude?
It seems like I have a lot of explaining to do. Then how about we maneuver the topic towards this direction?
The Girl Who Waits vs. The Aggressive Girl
In the context of love and romance, I am not an aggressive type of person. Point blank. I am talkative to a fault and when there's a need to defend justice, I may argue and fight for my beliefs to the last breath. When it comes to the mushy gushy stuff, though, I pretty much suck. Rate me a whopping D minus, a total failure. Hence, I'm appealing to your better judgment. Spare me your fifty cents and permit me to enumerate my shortcomings so you will understand me better and quit judging me:
- I never make the first move... ever. If the person I like is just as passive and can only drop hints here and there, tendency is I wouldn't buy them. Even if my heart is already breaking, if he does not approach me first, he will end up a faded memory like so many guys before him (not that I had the luxury of time to scout for random crushes). There's something about playing the role of aggressor that gnaws at my heart. I feel like I'm betraying everything I stand for by grossly chasing after the object of my affection without any assurance. Yes, I admit, I don't like to be a victim of unrequited love. Who does, anyway? If possible, to avoid giving the other party false hopes, there has to be some "mutual understanding" (for lack of a better term) and an express promise of fulfillment. Only then can both parties take whatever relationship they have to the next level.
- If you're a boy and I'm utterly kind to you, that means I pretty much like you as a friend. I may slap, hug or torture you, I may endlessly converse with you, I may email or SMS you first, I may take part in drinking sessions with just the two of us present, but believe me, there's nothing more to it. My rule is that a friend is a friend, no matter the gender.
- Here's the complicated part. So what if I happen to like someone? The indicators are rather unobtrusive and less distinguishable, and you won't know the real score unless you are or are deeply acquainted with a tsundere like me. If I happen to hurl insults at someone within mere weeks of knowing each other, then I might like him. This is still subject to contention, though, because I also trade barbs with close friends of both genders, particularly in a round table setting. If I tend to smother him with sarcasm and cynical jibes at almost every turn, I may like him more than it appears. Or I may like him a whole lot. This is a crucial indicator because I do not get drawn to a person who doesn't fire me up. Last indicator is that if I never wear skirts in front of a guy, then it's probably because I do like him and, as such, I try to wear comfy clothes to avoid giving the notion that I was out to impress him or attract his attention. Jeans and shirt also make me feel secure and less exposed. As if I can safely hide my feelings underneath a laid back outfit.
- Truthfully, I am about to give up on the postmodern male population. Most guys relish in the carpe diem lifestyle. They esteem skin-deep beauty and public opinion and forgo essence. They prefer women who are easy to conquer in every sense of the word and dismiss principled females as stuck-up old maids who refuse to change with the changing times. They would rather indulge in the fun, no matter how short-term and fleeting, so they can escape the long-term responsibilities incurred when they take life more seriously. Most guys just shrug their shoulders and settle for quiet convenience. They find occasional struggles and banters quite bothersome. These days, rarely do I see men who would gladly take on anything that presents a challenge. Rarely do I see men who really exert effort to win a woman. Alas!
- I have almost lost faith in my own kind. What more can I say? Women's liberation is a double-edged sword. On one hand is a powerful woman who can stand on her own feet and direct her life as she sees fit. On the other hand is a woman who takes on manly roles to the point of displacing other men and twisting her own existence. When carried out the right way, you can admire the former for her renewed sense of purpose. However, I can't say the same for the latter. Worst case scenario? A woman with no self-preservation, who clings and chases after men as if doing so is the sole reason for her being.
- Walls are there not to keep you out but to see how badly you want something, says one of the random inspirational messages I read over the Internet. It's not like I meant to but that's basically how I am. Ever since childhood, I've built invisible walls around me because I do not want people to just barge in on my private space and completely undo the character I have gradually nurtured. Growing up, I saw several people who were reckless with their thoughts and feelings. I found it annoying how they flaunted everything as though life was an open book. My walls have kept me resilient throughout those years of interacting with shallow and conceited human beings. I also need these walls to know whether anyone out there would have the temerity, the willingness, to discover every fiber of my humanity and accept my imperfections without reservations. There has never been a person brave enough to say those words straight to my face much less ask me out in person. Are my walls that high or have I been so unfortunate to come across men who thought that such walls were never worth the climb? I never asked anyone to climb or break them, anyway. They can just knock or ring the doorbell so I can let them in without fuss. Sadly, no one did. As a result, I never really got to know anyone. Nor did they ever get to know the real me.
- I once was a delusional girl, eager to meet prince charming or some knight in shining armor someday, until the world forced me to see men in a different light. When I accidentally drowned in a sea of historical romance novels way back high school, I realized that prince charming and sir knight are just losers. Besides, I've never once considered myself as a damsel in distress. I don't need saving nor do I feel comfortable with people waiting over my every need. As it is, I hate waiting (even as I, ironically, stand in wait for that elusive true love). Anyone who makes me wait for years might as well expect to be scrapped off. What I need is a badass hero who kicks butts and fears nothing - not even the devil himself. I need someone who isn't intimidated by my defensive barrier and who can laugh at me no matter how terrible I become. He may have blemishes in his character, an ugly past and other such quirks, but no one else can make feel like I can do anything other than him. In conclusion, I believe there's only one person in the world for every woman who chooses to fall in love and though he may come with extra baggage, it's okay to love with all that you've got.
 |
| Although he has nothing to do with my problems, a picture of a victorious Rafa is always so soothing. Vamos Rafa and congratulations for winning the recently concluded US Open 2013 and bagging 13 slams all in all! |
Bah! I've had enough of this drama! *searches the Internet for clues*
Dilemma solved. Do not bother to ask how or why. I apologize to all the men who wasted their time on me but I can easily overcome heartbreaks. No kidding. That's just the way I am. There's nothing much that can throw me for a loop.
Anyway, here's to a romance that never materialized and may there be more hopeless romances to come!
Nota bene: I'm so ashamed of myself. While the whole nation grieves over corrupt government officials and slain countrymen in Zamboanga City in Mindanao, here I am ranting about love and romance as if such an exertion can change the Philippines for the better. Rest assured, I'm going back to the socially and politically empathetic me in the next few days. This is just a reprieve.
Nota bene: I'm so ashamed of myself. While the whole nation grieves over corrupt government officials and slain countrymen in Zamboanga City in Mindanao, here I am ranting about love and romance as if such an exertion can change the Philippines for the better. Rest assured, I'm going back to the socially and politically empathetic me in the next few days. This is just a reprieve.
