Edward Albee, one of my favorite playwrights, once said: "Sometimes, it's necessary to go a long distance out of the way in order to come back a short distance correctly." There are no shortcuts. Let me amend. It is possible to find shortcuts only after you've lost your way several times. That's why at all costs, don't be such a stickler for plans. Plans, no matter how strategic or well-executed, are constantly at risk of failing. Loosen up a bit and allow your life to accommodate changes. Mind you, several will come even without you asking for any.
Even those institutions you think would still be there after months or years of perseverance can just stop operating once the owners make a decision. In just 3 days and with the words "we're closing" ringing over and over in your ears, everything - the hard work, the enjoyable and frustrating moments of an employee, the exhilarating meetings, the press conferences - can just end. It's pointless to beg your case or attempt to raise hope. I do not own the company anyway. I thought I could start over but just as I explicitly said in my previous entries, things can go wrong anytime, anywhere and in any way. How I'm glad I have already mentally and emotionally prepared myself for the worst. Those are the perks of being a non-planner and a part-time pessimist.
As to where I ought to be after this... only HE can tell. I will start to sift and shift again because another uncertainty recently took me a little bit by surprise. Someone gave up even before my colleagues and I did. Detours: I don't mind them, actually. If I can unearth as many shortcuts as possible for every long distance I tread, then bring it on! For the meantime, while I ponder on my next move, let's continue with this self-imposed introspection.
31. Am I negative?
Yes, I am... for a healthy reason. I try not to let too much happiness consume me to the point of getting complacent. I don't want to be caught off-guard. When bad things strike while I'm laughing or smiling with abandon, the impact is a thousand times more painful than when I'm fully aware that my present happiness is only temporary. It's not so much on the fear of getting hurt but on the fear of losing the will to go on after getting hurt beyond repair.
It hurts more when you're stripped of the ability to bounce back. Losing everything you're capable of doing because you gave in to too much happiness is a far more awful fate than when you preempt and spoil everything for the incoming doom. The more you expect something to happen (be it bad or good), the more it is less likely to happen. Sometimes it's an effective strategy (well for me, that is) and the reason why I entertain negative thoughts in the first place.32. Is there an afterlife?
I am torn between answering yes and maybe. There are various accounts of the afterlife from various people who deem themselves experts on the subject. Some say we all have a house waiting for us in heaven, built by angels and made of the finest gems or elements this earth can ever produce. Some also say there is no afterlife. What comes after a person's death is only a state of everlasting blankness. In other words, the person merely stops thinking and every consciousness he enjoyed during his moments on earth will forever be shut down to nothingness.
I admit I don't know where I stand. I want to believe in the former, however. I want to believe there is a more blessed existence after we've done our part here. It's sad to lose all the memories I have of everyone I love. As much as possible, I want to keep these memories. Oooh, morbidity again.33. Does everything happen for a reason?
Ah, let me refresh you:
I'd imagine the whole world was one big machine. Machines never come with any extra parts, you know. They always come with the exact amount they need. So I figured if the entire world was one big machine... I couldn't be an extra part. I had to be here for some reason. ~ Hugo Cabret
That quote from one of the most touching movies I've ever seen pretty much sums up my answer to this question. God didn't create us for display. I, you or everyone else isn't a decoration. We all have our respective roles to fulfill.34. What can I do to change the world?
What a difficult question. In a bird's eye view, here are some of the things I might do: write a book, build a school or a foundation that encourages self-help and love for learning, join missions or build a multimillion company where I might employ several people living below the poverty line. Cross your fingers. Who knows one of these visions might actually be realized.35. What is the most foolish thing I've ever done?
I am afraid I cannot answer this question. I've done a lot of foolish things in my life and I can't say for sure which one of those is the most foolish. Perhaps going to an elite school during my puberty while knowing full well how my parents could barely afford my tuition was one foolish thing I did in the past. If I had selfishly applied to UP High School and ignored my parents' senseless fear of me turning into an even bigger rebel than I already was back then, I would've spared them from wasting money and myself the identity crisis I suffered in the midst of all the affluence I could not fathom.36. Am I cheap?
I am priceless. Haha. That's honestly how I rate myself. I cannot stoop so low. My pride is as high as the heavens. I rarely bow to anyone nor do I sell myself like an ordinary commodity. No price tag is ever attached to my being. No one can afford me unless I waive my pride voluntarily.
Damn. This question makes me mad.37. Am I greedy?
As far as money and material things are concerned, I'm far from greedy. There are, however, certain things I'd like to have at all costs. Although most of the time I tend to forget my attachment to such things. And yes, there are times when I like to read, eat and stroll around places voraciously. But there are also times when I prefer to just lock myself up in my room, be isolated from the rest of civilization, eat meager helpings of food and just stare at space as if life no longer holds any promise. Someone invent a greed-o-meter. I know I can be greedy but I'm not sure how greedy I am compared to the rest of the world.38. Who do I love?
My direct family, friends, children of all ages (their sheer innocence amazes me), old folks (especially those with eyes full of sadness and regret), idealistic men and women, people who can smile brilliantly, people who work hard regardless of their station in life, particular relatives (those who don't take advantage of my dad's position) and just about anyone - be it stranger or acquaintance - I can talk to with ease. I love our pet dogs, chickens and fishes even if they're not human beings. I love life even if it merely refers to my state of existence. But most of all, I love God, no matter how we perceive Him to be. I cry knowing that I owe Him so much and I still have not done enough.39. Who do I want to meet?
I have always wanted to meet Pope John Paul II. He's such a blessed, gentle person. I did doubt him at one time when my brothers started telling me about that girl named Angelica Zambrano, who allegedly died for 23 hours because Jesus took her on a tour to heaven and hell. In hell, she reportedly saw devils poking the holy father for alleged fornication with women. He allegedly did other deeds such as breaching his pledge of celibacy and total commitment to God.
I backtracked and realized that it would be better to meet him to confirm this indirect accusation from Angelica. The girl after all failed to maintain her holiness and is presently just as ordinary and angsty as most young people of today. How can you affirm the validity of Angelica's testimonies? Human experience of the divine or just the product of an active imagination? There is no way of knowing. There were several evil popes during the Middle Ages, why single out Pope John Paul II?
Religion aside, I'd also like to meet Rafael Nadal, my all-time favorite athlete whose sportsman ethics is worthy of praise. I like to meet my favorite authors and mangakas (just drop by my profile page to spare me the effort of enumerating such a long list). I like to meet selfless and idealistic people. How wonderful to meet people who love arts, literature, music, architecture, food or traditions. Even more exciting is meeting children from various places in the world and then taking pictures with them and their big smiles.
I of course want to meet Him someday when I have already done my part on this planet. (:40. Where do I want to go?
If you mean in the context of geography, I have always wanted to go to Japan. (: I want to visit places where I can gather enough inspiration to write novels in a matter of weeks instead of years. I want to go to progressive places where I might not look so inconspicuous or where I can unleash my weirdness yet still be seen as ordinary. I want to go to a place where super powers are possible and creatures beyond humans and animals exist. I want to be anywhere that isn't so normal or all too real. What more can you expect from a fantasy-prone person?
So we end our session here. Part V: 41-50 shall commence after a few days' break. I can do this, you can do this, we can do this! Aja!
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