---Unnumbered Journal Entry---
Friday, 9:30 PM
Just when you think such a topic would be over and done with...well, think again. My apologies to Love, but people will always find you a novelty no matter how many times they encounter you.
If you think I'm "in love," then we might as well close this entry. If I were "in love" I would have forgotten how to write in the first place.
Again, I repeat: I am not "in love." Rather, my ideals on love have just been shattered. I may not have expected anything in return, but it's even more heart-breaking to discover that your "Ideal One" is someone you didn't expect.
I have my standards, of course. No one is spared of that. They are not so high and impossible. It's enough for me to find a man who takes life seriously without losing his sense of humor, has sufficient dignity but is not eaten up by pride, and lives a principled life without imposing himself on others. That's not so difficult to comply, is it? Bah! Haven't you noticed that my standards have nothing to do with any physical attribute? That's because I do not need his outward appearance - only who he is.
So much for my hopes. I end up getting so disappointed and thoroughly discouraged. :(
I call him "Mr. Philo" and lately, due to comparisons made by my pal Lea, I nickname him "Lino Cayetano." Well, he does look a lot like Lino Cayetano, the boyfriend of ex-PBB Housemante Bianca Gonzales. He also has a striking resemblance to comedian-now-serious-actor John Estrada. To some he is deemed good-looking. However, it was different in my case and because of that, he's more of a gentleman to me than your typical good-looking fellow.
If I could recall correctly, it was September 15 of 2006 that I first realized he even existed in USC. I had my PE assignment printed at the computer station in our library. Right after I received "The History of Table Tennis" print-outs, I hurriedly gathered my plastic bag and folder as I was running late for PE class and Flor and Tonet were already at the library exit waiting for me. Thus, I ran after them without bothering to check whether my things were secure. In one instant, my folder slid from my hands and all the papers inside it went in all directions. I was past embarrassment. I was blocking the way and many of the passers-by just stared at the clumsy girl picking up her scraps of paper. Thinking I would last an eternity there, a shade of purple suddenly brushed beside me and bent down to gather a handful of the scattered "documents." By then, my temper got the better of me and I was muttering such inappropriate words. He handed me the papers and I grabbed them without any expression of gratitude. I fleetingly watched him head straight for the exit. Tonet witnessed the scenario as though a gallant knight knelt before his maiden. Anyhow, when I got my things quite settled, I practically leaped out of the library and tried to catch up with the other two. They were a few meters ahead of the purple-clad knight, who was walking briskly and occasionally looking back at me. I zoomed past him as if I didn't recognize him, urging Tonet and Flor to run when I caught up with them. We ran as fast as we could towards the gym and got there a little too late for attendance (Flor practically moping being the OC that she is. And I love her for that.).
So that's how it all started. I was beginning to be intrigued by him. Without meaning to, I started noticing him around the campus although it took me a while to really detect the original persona. I even mistook many other guys for him (not that he was average or anything). Yet there was this instance, after my POSC 110 class around 2:30 PM, someone wearing a red shirt emerged from the stairs beside the PolSci Department and went to the drinking fountain across it. Something in his bearing was awfully familiar to me, but immediately I put the thought aside. He was standing before room 340 when Eva and I passed by and headed for the restroom. Just as we got out, I suddenly remembered that I left my folder in one of the racks (clumsy as ever). That folder contained our English 4 research paper draft which we were supposed to pass that day!!! It was very unbecoming of me (as I have always been) but I really exclaimed in the middle of the corridor, "Hala!" then Eva asked me what the problem was. When I told her I left our research draft, she merely laughed and said I was so forgetful. I dashed back to the restroom and found the folder. Getting out, I hugged and raised it up in the air, completely oblivious to everyone around me. As I happily chattered to Eva the nature of my forgetfulness, the red guy from earlier was staring at our direction. That wasn't your normal stare (or am I just full of fancy?). I caught his gaze for a split second then immediately turned away. I didn't know how I must have seemed to him and why he was staring in that odd way, but I was awfully bothered. Throughout English 4, I recalled his face and his aura until recognition dawned on me: he was the ungrateful maiden's knight...or so she thought.
That was how I came to recognize him from that moment onwards, wherever he was or whatever he wore. But I was never beside him for when I saw him, it was only at a distance and never face to face. I have come to regard him as a knight who still has the virtues of chivalry. The "Mr. Philo" nickname was invented at a later time to serve as a codename between me and a few of my friends (I really hate it when my private life leaks to the rest of the batch, thus the codenames). I learned from another friend, who was a classmate of his, that his real name is Ralph Carlo del Castillo and that he got the highest grade in their philosophy class - flat 1.0. Although he majored in Management Accounting, he became my "Mr. Philo" thereafter.
We often see each other at the chapel either early in the morning or lunch time. He wears that haunting look all the time. Whenever he sees me, the expression strays between smiling and frowning. But yeah, I have seen him smile. :) And it's one of the most beautiful on earth.
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He smokes, I've just discovered. I never saw him engage in such a vice - yet I don't always see him anyway. That's why. I don't really know him to begin with. If there is anyone who I can call "Ideal," it would have been him. He would've been more than my standards. Why should I think he is bound to disappoint me? Demanding it may sound but the fact that he smokes implies his susceptibility to vices in general. I can tolerate occasional bouts of drinking but I can never tolerate smoking. Something in it is traumatic for me. Smoking is utterly unnecessary and I don't see its purpose here on Earth besides promoting lung cancer, tuberculosis or any failure of the lungs. Even if taken occasionally, it does more damage than alcohol (not to mention when its fumes are inhaled passively).
All for smoking?! Yes! Because I thought Mr. Philo is wiser than that. Whatever his principles are, they certainly do not include preservation.
Perhaps I may have been so prejudiced against him but I wouldn't change my opinion of him unless proven otherwise. He may be a perennially problematic guy and just resorts to smoking as a form of refuge - as do most psychologically unstable persons. He did look agitated a while back.
For now, I'm suspending him from my hypothalamus.
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Anyway, enough of Mr. Philo or - whoever he is. He is a mystery I am now disinterested to solve. I've already consumed 3 hours writing about this phantom of a man who hardly speaks to anyone.
November 5, 2009
Back to the Present
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I LOVE ONLY MYSELF... I LIVE ONLY FOR MYSELF... I FIGHT ONLY FOR MYSELF
"A soul needs a purpose to live and so I concluded that my purpose was to kill everyone besides myself. I felt alive” - Gaara from Naruto (when he was still a raving psycho-killer)
