75 Questions for Anybody's Soul (Part III: 21-30)

:/ :/ :/ :/:/ :/ :/:/ :/ :/:/ :/ :/:/ :/ :/:/ :/ :/ (my several poker faces)

Speechless at this point. Feels like the world has become a terrible place to live in. The society I once thought was full of sensible and rational people is suddenly riddled with social climbers, power hungry pseudo-leaders, back-stabbers, crime-mongers and passive souls who merely go with the flow. When I wake in the morning and I step outside, I take a deep breath and I get real high and I... scream at the top of my lungs: WHAT'S GOING ON?!

Honestly, I'm far from depressed. I have got the motivation I need from unexpected sources. (: You can say I am fairly happy because I have just recovered the innocent curiosity I used to enjoy with abandon. I'd be a hypocrite to say the world no longer affects me and that I have completely overcome various social pressures. All I'm saying is that the world hankers for love. It makes you want to give more love in return.

The sifting and shifting in this life full of uncertainties will continue. So will the overdue third installment of my so-called introspection.

21. Do I take risk?

I do... a lot. I'm never afraid to fall like a log during teambuilding trust falls. I always cross the road even if the light is still green. I took on night shifts the last time I worked for a BPO company despite my congenital condition. Even more daring, I trekked up and down a series of hills for four grueling hours when we had our SHEG immersion. I wore nothing but a shirt, a jacket, a pair of capri pants, boots (the facilitators lent me a pair after I nearly rolled down a slope) and a sling bag. No mountaineering equipment whatsoever to facilitate the whole ordeal. It was as though we were merely walking in the park. I also have the gall to ride a plane over and over again (I consider this a great feat because a lot of people detest flying) and I travel even if the weather is totally badass. 

Suffice it to say, I am generally a risk-taker. I am not, however, 100% committed to risky businesses. I cannot risk swimming beyond 5 feet. Swimming beyond this level is already suicide. Not being able to land my feet on something solid is really frightening. I can ride a zipline; the heights don't necessarily scare the shit out of me. But if you dangle me atop an extremely elevated place for more than an hour, I'd rather eat a tray of raw eggs. I don't want to risk eating the grossest stuff one can ever eat on a dare - be it manure, insects or soil. I'd rather walk in my underwear. 

So what am I exactly getting at? There are some things you risk and some things you don't. The same goes for me. I may risk my life for someone I truly, madly, deeply love. And perhaps for family members (provided I'm in a heroic mood during such a situation). I always risk getting hurt whenever, however or in whatever way possible. Lord knows how many failed emotional investments I already went through in my lifetime. I never learn. I'm a sadist. What the heck.

22. What is my purpose?

Another hard question. This I cannot answer with absolute certainty. I can only say that I think one primary reason for my existence is to be able to write something of value for the perusal of this world. Call it vanity. I call it a healthy ambition. I desire to be a human being whom God and my loved ones can be proud of. I believe I can achieve this by making full use of the only compelling talent I know I have. I do not know what else is my purpose beyond this. 

23. What is my biggest fear?

Perhaps dying too young or dying without fulfilling my dreams - this is my biggest fear. Oh, God forbid! An ideal death is one without regrets and sad to say, at this point in my life, I have not yet lived as I should have. My wish for a longer journey is not born out of worldly reasons. It is simply frightening to die without having done something. I want to do something. You hear me, Lord? :(

24. How can I conquer that fear?

Maybe I'd better stop procrastinating. It's a habit that consumes me to the point that it becomes me. Noooo! I'm not a procrastinator. I'm just utterly demotivated and uninspired. I fear an untimely death - God forbid 1,000 times - because I haven't done much in this lifetime due to incessant bouts of procrastination.

Perhaps I also need to change my view of the afterlife. Far too early to put off my consciousness while this all too common world has just gotten so interesting and more helpless. Honestly, no idea how to concretely conquer my fear/s. Illuminate me as time passeth. Shall we proceed to the next question?

25.  Do I thank people enough?

I thank people often enough. I thank them profusely, sometimes overmuch. There are some who don't really appreciate it when I express my gratitude over and over again. They think I'm faking it. Sometimes they're too busy to say "you're welcome." The point is I say thank you in various ways - out of sincerity (genuine expression of gratitude), out of sarcasm (after I said something that stung) and out of passive politeness (mostly to people I barely know and correspond with at work or school). 

26. Am I successful?

How do you measure success, anyway? This is really a two-faced question. Either it lowers your self-esteem or inflates it unnecessarily - all because there are no clear-cut parameters on the word "success." Neither are there authoritative criteria for measuring it. Like many of the things in life, success is quite subjective.

I am successful in terms of honing my skills and growing as a person. I am far from successful in terms of amassing a fortune.:/ I'm not that money-oriented. I only start squeaking when, to my surprise and chagrin, my piggy bank is running low. Okay, enough said. Money talk makes my blood boil. The topic is just unavoidable.

27. What am I ashamed of?

OMG. I am ashamed to disclose what I'm ashamed of. :P For this particular question, please pardon me for not answering. It's something personal. I can only say this without shame to the One who created me. Guess that pretty much defeats the purpose of introspection, huh? Seriously. My bad for using a blog in the first place. 

28. Do I annoy others?

I definitely do. I annoy others - A LOT. Or perhaps it's just me. I just don't know the fine line between annoyance and jealousy. Or could it be they're annoyed because they're jealous? Who knows. As far as I know, there are people who are annoyed at me for no specific reason. When in nosebleed English I start to defend certain ideas or issues as if I was at war, they start getting annoyed. Haha. I guess being too vocal annoys people who cannot even generate ideas of their own. Or people with shallow ideas. I haven't annoyed the smartest people I've had the privilege of meeting (except perhaps when I fail to show up at meetings, symposiums and other highfaluting events they invited me to attend).

I don't have statistical data on the number of people I've annoyed in my lifetime or in what way have I annoyed them. I only know that there are those who get annoyed for petty and sometimes irrational reasons. Like when I deactivated my previous FB account and added some people in my second account a little too late, I could sense annoyance in the background. OKAY. It's easy to cancel friend requests anyway. FB has messed up a lot of people's thoughts, emotions and actions. Better leave it until it self-destructs. (:

Yes, I annoy others and ironically am proud of it. Haha.

29. What are my dreams?

I have had a lot of dreams. I once dreamed of being a Foreign Service Officer at the Department of Foreign Affairs but suddenly bailed out upon realizing how much studying and exposure were needed to pass the exam. And the FSO Exam, by the way, has a higher mortality rate than that of the Bar Exam. With the sort of person I was and still am (a hardcore procrastinator), I realized that going for the FSO was foolhardy and perhaps not what one could call a healthy ambition. 

I do want to have my own business. Nothing beats being your own employer. Nothing beats bowing to no one. I'm just not sure what sort of business path I ought to take. I have thought about franchising but... oh crap, money talk again. Yes, I have no funds as yet to open up a food stall or spa somewhere. My brother suggested investing at the stock market. I could buy stocks at a minimum of PHP5,000 and sell them when there's a bullish trend. Or if I wanted something less complicated, I'd better start buying mutual funds ('til now I have no idea how the whole thing works). I do think it's a doable plan but I'd rather go for franchising first and whatever profit I reap from selling food or opening a spa, I can invest portions of it in the stock market. 

My most important dream and one I'd forever gamble on is to be a novelist. I think being able to publish the novel of my dreams will seal my fate as a writer. I want most of all to be known as a literary scribe to the generations who will succeed me. 

 30. Am I positive?

I can be a little of both - a little positive and a little negative. Yes, there are advantages and good rewards when you adopt a positive mindset. But even that has its limits. Too much positive outlook can also drain you. It's like raising your hopes up all the time despite knowing that it doesn't always go your way. I try to balance positive and negative thoughts - and yes, it's a goddamn struggle - because I don't want to be caught off-guard whenever bad things set in. God forbid. Lest too much happiness corrupts me and makes me forget my own existence, I constantly remind myself that everything is just temporary. Yes, I preempt my own doom. (:

Whenever a loved one is eaten up by negative vibes, I try to complement him/her by giving positive advice. I cannot ever be negative in the face of negativity. Whenever I yield to overwhelming anger or hostility, so much is ruined. So, so much. That's why, even if it hurts, even if it makes me rally against my own person sometimes, I try to be optimistic and pessimistic at the same time. Who doesn't know Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? Surprise, they both live in each one of us! They're my longtime imaginary friends.

To be continued... Stay tuned for Part IV: 31-40.

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