God knows how many times I've searched myself. I seem to find "me" once in a while. Most of the time I go haywire. I guess "soul-searching" has never been applicable. My soul cannot be reached. It must have been misplaced or displaced somewhere where the reception is poor. Wherever it is right now, I wish it well. For the meantime, let me get lost in whatever is left of my soul by asking a series of questions. They call it introspection and I have to do this on a regular basis until such time I regain stability (a milder term for sanity).
1. Why not me?
Because God ordained it should be so when time on earth began (my usual excuse every time I run out of something to say). I am not selfish enough to entertain this kind of thought.2. Am I nice?
I need to consult people other than myself to be able to answer this question. But yes, on the whole, I think I'm nice... when people are equally nice. I live by the Golden Rule: don't do unto others what you don't want others to do unto you. However much I try to respect the spirit of this biblically mandated law, I cannot help but implement it with a pragmatism that often dichotomizes my actions. I simply play nice to the nice and am mean to the mean.
Let's first put "nice" into the proper context. In other words, nice people aren't always as pure and unadulterated in their intentions as they seem. Some people are just nice to you because they have a favor to ask or they want something in return. When such motive is so obvious, especially if my intuition is high enough to spot it at first glance, then - depending on the situation - I either tactfully insert sarcasm to an expected response or remain nice so as not to waste an intensive educational background and a proper childhood upbringing.3. Am I doing what I really want to do?
For many years, I have struggled to become the writer I've always longed to be. Less than five years since graduating from college, it's too soon to tell. For one, I haven't even published my own book yet. Secondly, many people still belittle this kind of profession because it's not as grand as being a lawyer or a doctor and because their understanding of what a writer does is limited. I cannot blame them entirely. Centuries ago, many writers died penniless. It was not until after they died that they were recognized for their effort. Some writers frequented pubs or drank heaps of beer because they couldn't produce something creative unless they're drunk. JK Rowling had to endure some years of poverty and countless rejections until a publisher finally bought her Harry Potter manuscript and, by stroke of good luck, it became a phenomenal bestseller. Not all struggling writers have the temerity to endure rejection over and over again. I hope I can.
My present job allows me to write as much as I want to on subjects that fall in line with my general interests. Competition is tough, however, and we are still in the process of overcoming the "pains of birth." Indeed my writing career has a checkered history so I thought I'd have a fresh start with what I'm presently doing. But I am able to write and for me that's what matters most. I grow as a writer each time I write for others. I will get there when the fields are ripe for harvest. Let's sow more seeds for the moment.4. What am I grateful for?
First of all, I am grateful for this life. Despite my pains and self-deprecating thoughts, I am really happy to be alive. Thank you, Lord. We only have one shot at life. No one is exactly sure what afterlife looks like or whether we get to keep the consciousness we enjoy in this lifetime. For all we know, the afterlife is merely a state of infinite unconsciousness. That's why I'm so thankful for the opportunity to create a memorable existence.
I am also grateful for my family even though we have our share of misunderstandings. They have been my constant support especially during occasions when I least expected their presence. I am thankful for beloved friends and all the fun-filled and sometimes dramatic memories we've made together throughout the years. I am thankful for enemies who expose me the dark side of humanity I must never succumb to. I am grateful for crushes who inspire me whenever books, movies, animes or mangas fail to do so. There's so much to be thankful for. I can't keep count.5. What's missing in my life?
A decent love life? Puh-lease. I don't need a man to complete me - and I am pig-headed enough to announce this. Excuse me but I am not in the market for relationships. My life is complicated enough without them. Or is this just my excuse because I do not have a proper guidebook on how to become the best gf on the planet? It's not that I am afraid. I just don't have sufficient motivation to be one. I will always end up being the person I always am. I cannot change for anybody. It would be interesting to see someone who can make me regret my own convictions. Everyone is intimidated to ask me out face-to-face and that fact makes me smug. Okay, enough.
Seriously. That was just idle chatter. If there's anything I'm really missing in my life right now, it's fulfillment. The voice at the back of my head is saying, "You are young and wild and free, so talk about fulfillment only when you're nearing your 50s." Fine then. Then here's what's actually missing in my life: money. Because I lack money, I'm missing the chance to travel abroad or shut myself away from civilization and just write my unfinished novels. I have to work my ass off first so I can eventually save some capital (both human and material) to fuel my dreams. Oh crap, the question is just too difficult to answer.6. Am I honest?
Yes and no. I am honest enough when it comes to expressing my feelings. The words running around inside my head are more honest than the words that come out of my mouth. Not that I'm a perennial liar, but I think there are words better left unsaid. If it's regarding say the dignity of human beings or the betterment of the general welfare, I cannot help but be brutally frank - the kind of honesty that often leaves people bleeding. I am extremely opinionated about social issues and would not hesitate to verbally defend people who my intuition believes have been wrongfully accused. I cannot ever bargain my principles.
But yes, my checkered past includes lying, cheating and stealing. In high school, I often lied to my overprotective parents who thought I was cavorting with boys whenever I went home past 6pm. I cheated during high school exams (because honor students were kind enough to help me). I stole Mentos candies, coins and colognes when I was an elementary student. And then one of my classmates stole the stolen colognes. End of story.
The present me no longer cheats nor steals. I do lie occasionally in the face of hypersensitive people. But hey, I've never lied just to hurt others. So spare me your fifty cents.7. Do I listen to others?
Ah, I definitely do. If you haven't read my previous posts, I pretty much prefer to be an onlooker. Listening to others isn't very hard for me because I am not really that self-absorbed and I want to enjoy the privacy of my own thoughts. Sometimes I chastise myself for falling prey to the trap the blogosphere has laid out for people of my ilk. The act of blogging slowly but surely brainwashes the writer to divulge more and more personal information. Where's my palabra de honor? I have tried to be inconspicuous and have managed to do so for the past few years. I have filtered everything by writing only about ideas, opinions, rants and experiences. I have never narrated anything more specific beyond those parameters, I hope.
What do I get when I listen? Ingredients for the novels I am brewing and making others feel comforted and supported. And I often give advice (the fact that they want me to listen implies that they need some advice). There are those who explicitly solicit my brutal honesty and I won't ever hesitate to make others bleed should the occasion call for it.8. Do I work hard?
It depends on the kind of work. If it's something that involves writing, of a subject close to my heart at an environment devoid of extreme pressure, then yes I work hard. If inspiration strikes, I work hard. If I'm not, I sometimes force myself to work hard. There are times I don't work hard. I try to "multitask" instead. When I do work hard, I work myself to the point of exhaustion. Oftentimes I end up traumatized. That's what happened when I took my Comprehensive Exams. Although I passed after some struggle, right now I'm stuck with my final paper. I'm trying to motivate myself so I can edit the contents according to the feedback I received. Someone hit me hard on the head to undo my trauma.9. Do I help others?
Yes I do, though I just don't think it's nice to count how many times or in what ways I've helped others. But I do help when I can, when my means permit me to or when there isn't some interfering person or circumstance preventing me from helping the helpless.
There are times when it's better to help by simply guiding a person. Spoon-feeding them with help can cause dependency and it's gonna get you in a real sticky situation. Just teach people how to fish than catch the fish for them. Self-help - that's the way to do it. This is a hard topic to discuss with people below the poverty line, though, owing to their lack of education, exposure and thorough understanding. Sometimes when a beggar comes up to me, I often hand out a few coins or give food if I brought any. I know this will never ever be a form of justice, but because giving food fills an empty stomach, it is a better option. Giving money doesn't guarantee, at the very least, physical nourishment. They might just gamble it away or buy rugby to dull the pain of hunger. These people need empowerment and brainwashing (maybe a helmet-like machine they can wear over their heads while it repeatedly whispers "Feed yourself, work your ass off or die").
It's a cruel world out there. I'm trying to help in the way I know best. When there are fire, tsunami or earthquake victims, I'd immediately donate clothes or canned goods. Even still, donations are never gonna be enough. I need capital to create the change this world needs. This is just one of my vanities talking since I am vain enough to want to be a useful human being. Ironically, I hate being enslaved by too much work.10. What do I need to change about myself?
Here's another hard question. Maybe a bit of the physical health side because if I don't wish for such changes, I might end up living a shorter life than I would have wanted to - God forbid. As for my character, perhaps I need to be more sociable. I don't ever want to go against the person I have established over the course of time, but a little social skill wouldn't hurt (and when I mean social, FB and other social networks do not necessarily apply). Work sometimes requires it. It also makes you feel guilty when you scare off too many people.
Contrived events, friendships and such are a few of my pet peeves. Social networks are too contrived and they're riddled with so many implications that it makes you sick sometimes. So is it possible to be natural at making friends without contriving anything? If so, then I'd need the environment to do its share. But how can you do that when an environment is lifeless and ultimately dependent on the people who compose it? What if the environment is effed up, should I force myself to adapt? I told you this is gonna be hard. I'm a stickler for serendipity friendships.
Last but not the least, I also want to be less of a procrastinator. It's become a deadly habit. I better start the change by putting a temporary stop to this so-called introspection. Time check: 5:07am (GMT +8). My blog's clock is set to PST so don't mind it.
To be continued... (Part II: 11-20)
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