Soliloquy I: Failure and Misery
I am such a lazy, uninspired daydreamer of a person. Where has all my depth gone?
It has been five days and all I've done so far is fall into the abyss of Internet addiction. There is no getting out. And I shall remain trapped and unable to produce anything of value. I shall fail. All because I lack control and let this whimsical heart instruct my passive mind.
Erase. Erase. Erase.
No. I long for a diversion. Reading about political concepts and theories that are so hard to grasp and organize- all the why's and what's and hardly explaining the how's- is making my head numb. Will I remember all the information I am trying to digest? What are the possible questions? What if my mind shuts down on the day of the exams? I am so afraid. So, so afraid I won't remember a single thing. Even if my memory does not erode, would the information I remember be enough to make me pass? It's eating me up.
Rewind. Rewind. Rewind.
So what's eating me? What's eating you, Christine? What's gnawing at your heart that it has caused you to do things out of whim? Ah, the thought of failing. The thought of my misery - of being so miserable I could no longer contain it. My will is slowly fading and I am sucked into a pattern of doing nothing as a means of doing something just to alleviate my fears. I am filled with hope that I will succeed only to discover that for the first time in my life, I have actually failed so miserably. And in this misery, there will be no salvation. Because I was born out of misery. Nothing but misery accompanies my existence. All through this liftetime, I will be tormented by failures.
Forward. Forward. Forward.
I have failed to die as I should have. I have failed to redeem myself as I should have. That everlasting happiness has failed to show itself to one such as me. So failing the exam is just a fragment of all the pains I am bound to suffer. I shall be alone until heaven or hell invites me for an eternal relocation. No one to soothe my wretched soul. No one to stop this darkness gnawing at my heart.
Soliloquy II: Hope and Redemption
The depth you seek is just there. Wake up from that nightmare. You are simply overthinking. You are simply fatigued. Please wake up and remember the person that you abandoned!
Slap. Slap. Slap.
Failures! To hell with them! You can fail as many times as you want - but do not fail without a fight. Who can prevent a human being from not failing? Everyone fails. Don't be a pig-head. Who hasn't got a scar in his heart or on his flesh? Who hasn't encountered the damned? Who hasn't said the word 'shit,' 'fuck,' 'asshole,' 'puta,' 'yawa,' 'pisti,' 'atay,' in all his life? Failure is everywhere. Even priests rape innocent little altar boys. Even the monarchs sell their bodies for the sake of reputation. A lot of children are crawling and rolling on the dirt as we speak. Fear failure and the the thought of failure if you must. But who says you should give up? Who says you should not do anything? Who says you should brand yourself a "failure" even you before you became one?
Think. Think. Think.
It's just an examination. To test how much you have learned. Have you really not learned anything in all those years? In the past, you were quick to learn despite time constraints. Why now would you rant the words of a coward? Oh, I have no idea what you went through or how much you have invested in all this? Foolish, girl! That's why you make an effort! Failures fail because they do nothing. Do not just stand idly and stare at space. Do not distress yourself with excessive imaginings. Do not be lost so poorly in your dark thoughts or you will never see the light at the end of the tunnel. Can't you see? You are just creating more burdens in what would have otherwise been a calm and conducive atmosphere for relearning. Learn over and over again if you have to. I assure you: YOU WILL NOT FAIL.
Stand up. Stand up. Stand up.
You will not fail. You are not a failure in the first place. Fears have shaken you quite a bit, but remember who you are and what you are capable of doing. No failure can rip apart herself and put it back together again seamlessly. YOU ARE THE YOU THAT YOU HAVE NEVER DREAMED OF BECOMING. You will not fail! You will pass! All your miseries and days of torment are about to end. Trust me. I know you very well.
I AM YOU.
YOU ARE ME.
